All My Life I Have Wanted To Be In Love

All my life I have wanted to fall in love.

I love the desperation. 

The honesty.

The vulnerability.

The love.

I have liked many a girl. I have even possibly come close to loving one.

Yet I never thought that this would happen.

I never thought I would fall out love.

I never thought that my feelings would sink away.

Each day a little more of the pool in my heart, drying up.

And as much as I hated the pain of knowing that my feelings for her were not returned.

The bittersweet pain of her not even thinking of me in more than just a friend.

I hate this more.

I no longer have no pain to cling desperately onto, like a drowning sailor.

My fingernails digging in with all might as my lifejacket is slowly wrenched from my grip.

As she slowly escapes the aspirations of my heart and dreams.

Instead I now stand at the shores of my heart.

Watching in the distance the beauty of the sea.

Yes, I still see the storms. 

The waves. 

The deadly currents and the sharks slowly circling.

But out there at least I had the occasional glimpse of hope.

Of rescue.

Of my lifejacket. 

Of my aspirations.

Of her.

Instead I now stand here, the waves now crashing at my feet. The sand running between my toes.

I am trapped on a desert island.

Baren. 

Devoid of life.

Devoid of feelings.

But I want to care about her once again.

I want to slowly sink under the waves, with her almost within reach.